road to recovery...

So the company i work for is looking for a cleaner. Its perfect. I work 9 hour days and do absolutely nothing for about 8 hours of that. Now I can take away from this boring job and put it into cleaning = shorter working days in front of the computer. YAY. I love cleaning too so that always helps. I'd waaay rather come in on my saturday morning and clean rather than be here looooong on a week day.

I went to the dentist this morning. ew. I think the hygienist was new because she kept jabbing my gums with that sharp little tool and they bled acouple times. Once again, no cavities. Except apparntly one of my wisdom teeth is in the "starting faze" of a cavity...gives me motivation to get them out. Sooo i went a got an x-ray done and they're gonna call me about gettin them pulled. I'm still not sure i want to...but i guess if they're gone they can't cause trouble in the future. Also, i talked to her about my grinding. I've noticed for the last month of so i've been grinding my back teeth and pressing down...my jaw muscle getso tight than i get a headache. I must be really stressed out or something cuz i've never done that before. Anyways, there's this new nigth gaurd you can get that lets you bite on your fron teeth, but your back teeth never touch, therefore relaxing the jaw muscles and helping the teeth. Your suppose to wear it for 3 weeks though, day and night. And its not covered under dental...$310. i dunno....So the question is do i get my wisdom teeth pulled and do i get this gaurd?

I'm goin out tonight with my mom and sisters. My sister actually went to counselling after she got married and had her first kid. She got really depressed and such so i'm gonna ask her tonight where she went and how much it costs, because i've looked into it and it seems to be about 90/hour! dang, thats expensive. But i guess its the same as getting an hour massage. which i love. Anyways, i hope to have a nice relaxing night tonight with them...it feels like i haven't seen them in awhile. We didn't get to go to my parents for lunch sunday, which is tradition, because we went and looked at some houses. One was the tall skinny kind which i loved, and the other was a full sized one with a legal suite to rent out. It backs up on farm land and has mountain view but there was one problem...i was looking at the pictures in the hosue and realized it was someone we knew! We went to high school with the couple and they just had a baby, but obviously they're abit of partiers because the house was sooo gross. Beautiful brand new house, but just disgusting inside!! dirty laundry everywhere, holes punch in a door, beer bottles, and the carpet needed replacing...after 1 year!!! someone doesn't appreciate they're house!!! anyways, i liked the cute skinny one, and he liked the big one. hmmm i think we are gonna keep on looking though. He changes his mind alot between which city to live in (because his commute is an hour away) and house or townhouse...and the undecisivness goes on. I always get all excited about moving, and he changes his mind. BAH. oh well, i must be patient.

Anyways, lately i've been feeling alittle better. Its probably because the sun has finally come back. It was snowing and raining for the last long while, than we had fog, now its clear blue skies and has been for the past week. Weather really has an affect on me. I need to move south. I've been listening to my jack johnson again too, getting my old chill self back...or trying.

I think i'm on the road to recovery...i can feel it. But again, it could just be the weather. Watch it start raining and i'll be back where i started. I think i should just do counselling every winter because i know i'm gonna need it.

anyways, that's it for now.

bringing out the tools

So today was a good day i would say. The only thing was i had a headache going to bed last night, woke up this morning with it still, and now it is 3:52 in the afternoon and I still feel a trace of it. The pills must work sloooowly.
I've spent the day taping mesh samples onto cards at work because i have absolutely nothing else to do. The bonus is that while i'm putting these together at my desk i have my head phones hooked up to my computer and i've been listening (and half watching) the show Marriage Uncensored...they have all 6 seasons online and i can pick and choose which ones to watch. Its great, and helping. They talk about relationships, communication, emotions, sex, EVERYTHING that's been on my mind the last while. It was a God-given thought to think about that show and watch it while i work! I'm sooo happy i thought of it!
Afew things that stick out in my mind (because i had alot of info comin in):

-A confident woman is a sexy woman.
-Be interdependent - You can't rely on your husband for happiness because you won't get it. Its up to you! He's just a bonus :)
-Your beliefs are what stem you thinking & emotions - my beliefs are bad becuase they are steaming all this anger, lonliness, resentment, bitterness. I need to determine what by beliefs are and change them!! - its my own fault
-Communicate about sex. Bring more humour into the bedroom. Not everything has to go perfectly. If you mess up, who cares! learn to laugh about it, not feel inferior or dumb. And don't always be the recipient. Give.
-Never do the same position three times in a row! Variety brings passion! Mix it up!
-Affirm him, make him feel like "my hero", and thank him when he does something for me.
-seek to understand and know him better. Be a student of yourself, your spouse and in other relationships.

Maybe...possibly....

Today i got nothing. I'm trying to shut out the little voice in my head that speaks too often and gets me in a deeper hole. I was listening to the radio yesterday morning on the way to work and they were talking about that voice in your head and your ego voice, etc. They said that voice you hear in your head that talks to you is not you. Its your ego talking and your only listening. Could that be why i'm going crazy. I've let him get out of control. It is that voice that puts all these ideas into my head and mulls it over again and again until I go crazy and have to start a blog to funnel it out.
I'm trying to snuff out that voice. Think about the here and now and nothing else.
Maybe than i will have some peace and quiet.
Maybe then my shoulders will relax.
Maybe than I will stop grinding my teeth until my jaw is stiff and a aching pounding slowly climbs the back of my head.
Maybe.....maybe not.

I am being punished for being an intraverted, closed and over analytical person.

This blog has helped somewhat, but i think talking to a real person would really help get it all out. A blog does not speak back. Doesn't offer a solution or an idea. Unfortunatley private counseling is $90/hour. Who can afford that???

Fear - 1 Confidence - 0

Its raining again. It probably rains about a good 8 months out of the 12. How i would love to move South. I could easily move somewhere with sun all year round. However, i did announce that my new year's resolution was to be happy with what I have and not dream constantly of being somewhere else.
Last night I had a frightening experience. As I laid next to my husband, I just didn't feel anything. The passion you have when you date is sooo different than after you get married. Not saying once your married its over, its boring, etc...i don't know what it is, but i blame myself mostly.
I'll tell you where it started. Early on in our marriage, I initiated (which is not easy for me to do in the first place) and he couldn't get it up. Nothing. I initiated 2 different times. Nothing happened...twice. How is that for building confidence. Now i know this can happen, but usually its to 40+ people. Not a 24 year old. I take it personally. Like i'm not good enough, i don't turn him on. Its me. I'm ugly...etc. Now i'm scared stiff to initiate anything! even kiss him. What if i get rejected? He doesn't say much...in fact he doesn't say much about anything. I think thats part of the problem. Nothing gets communicated, so nothing gets fixed. I'm left alone in the dark with my head telling me i'm not good enough. The only time we actually talk is when we're at a marriage conference and we're forced to talk...even then, not much is said.
I don't know what to do anymore. Either I get over my fear and just go for it...see what can happen, which is what i probably should do. Or we keep going this way..boring.
There will be a glimpse of passion every now and again...he just swoop me up and take me to the bedroom. Than its great. but i know he wants me to do this sometimes too. Its not fair to him. Last night i think i could feel his frsutration (though not a word was said). I just feel it. I think i need to get drunk haha...all fear is gone than!
it comes down to this - I NEED MORE CONFIDENCE!

I think your sex life is also a reflection of your relationship with the other person. I don't feel a really deep connection with him, therefore the desire is more shallow than it should be. Without talking, how can a relationship get anywhere??

"How was your day" Good.
"how's the Teddy?"
"I'm sleepy" Me too
turn on the TV.
Good night.
Day over.

that about sums up everday. Than how am i suppose to go in there and be all gushy and loving. I don't know you anymore!!!!
Am i being to hard on him and to demanding??

a time to change

There has been 2 deaths this week already...friends mom's. Its sad to think of losing a mother. I don't know how I would ever handle it. I would crawl into a hole for a year and hide out from the dark and depressing world. I could feel tears coming on for these ladies I've hardly met, so it makes me think what would happen if it were my own mom.

My mom is amazing. Cliche, i know. But really, she's has many characteristics I could have wished to inherit. She had 6 kids. Enough said. Patient, loving, selfless, and brave. She doesn't have that uncontentness that I carry - i believe that comes from my father. We both have dreamed of Hawaii together since i was little. My mom, she doesnt' need to travel. She doesn't need material things. She's very fortunate.
I think i need to apologize to her. I moved out about a year and a half before I was married. I moved out suddenly, into a house with 4 friends - 3 boys and a girl. I think I gave the impression I didn't care for my family, i just wisked off without a goodbye hardly. I think she took it alittle personally, and I don't blame her. I don't always think about others. I'm not as selfless as i should be. Also, me and my girlfriend were suppose to sleep in the basement, while the boys were upstairs. Its 'proper' that way. Well it ended up with me and my girlfriend upstairs, with a boy next door (my now husband) and the 2 others downstairs. When my mom came to visit, she was hurt that i lied to her about the sleeping arrangements. I hadn't, because that wasn't the origianl plan, but i didn't tell her that it changed. Most people wouldn't think its a big deal, but my family does. And I understand that. I need to apologize i think. Soon

I will add that on to my New Years Resolutions. Its realistic.

Speaking of which, I should think of more things i need to do this year. As with my previous posting, finding my inner happiness is one. So here's a list:


- *****speak up - NO MORE BOTTLING*****
-improve marriage - initiate sex/be more affectionate/say "i love you more"
-Trust. Don't be suspicious
-Apologize to my mom
-find true happiness within
-be content with what I have, think less of what I don't
-think of others/be more selfless

-answer phone calls, not be a hermit

-be more interested and genuine towards people

-initiate friendship and show more effort/appreciation
-don't worry about what others think
-focus more on the present and what is positive.

filling up the holidays

well today is another day in the ol' office chair. It's been 55 min and I can already feel the headache creeping up the back of my neck, throbbing into my temples. Must be my bad posture. Today is my review. Can't say it'll be good as both me and my "boss" know there's absolutely nothing to do around here except surf the net and blog as I am now. It was his idea. At least when I blog it looks like i'm busy, typing away with a concentrated look on my face. That would be for the people up stairs.

This is my 3rd day back from a 2 week christmas holiday, and I gotta say, it feels like i never left. It was a good holiday. I got lots done. I painted my bathroom and Den. My little dog, teddy, likes to chew on the corners of the wall/trim, so I had to fill the corners in and re-paint. I didn't have any paint to match the old so I have to give it a fresh new look. I was worried I would be completely bored for the 2 weeks, as my close friend and whole family went to Maui this christmas without me (i don't like to think about that), and my husband worked almost every day as his family owns a furniture business, and you can't take boxing week off, now can you?
I also built a 500 pc puzzle but it took me only a couple hours. I ended up buying 2 more 750 pc puzzles, but never did get around to them once I started painting.
I was hoping to paint again, and I mean paint a picture on a canvas, not a boring wall. I had some pictures picked out, but again, never got around to it. I use to paint quite abit...well okay, that's a lie. I would start paintings, but it was always hard to finish them. I need to be inspried when I paint, and if i lose that, than i slack off.

I love the artist Edward Winkleman. His paintings are fantastic.
This is one of the ones I wanted to paint...this one I love...it reminds me of me and what I love. A nice summer dress, a beach chair and and ocean. That's all you need. I think I should actually do this one...this is inspiration to me! It makes me feel peace and tranquility just looking at it. Its so simple.

happiness

I would be considered a unhappy person. If you met me you might not think so, as I usually appear happy. I'm a good bottler. Its what i do, and have done for a long time. I think when I was younger I thought i was doing everyone a favour when I didn't show my emotions. Its caught up with me now i think and now i'm a big, no, MAASIVE bottle of emotion, I think one day I will snap. I have sooo many different emotions going on inside of me they're crossing wires and now I don't even know what or why i'm feeling what i feel.
I was watching Oprah the other day and the topic was about Happiness. I think what they said was accurate for me...i'm always reaching for something that will bring me happiness - go to the spa, go on vacation - then I'll be happy. But when i do these things, am I? no. Why? because i'm looking in the wrong spot. What will bring me tru happiness. That's what I need to figure out this year. I don't think I will last another year with this.
To be honest, and I'm not knocking my marriage, I was happiest when i was single. The type of person I am flourishes most when they are an island. Solitude. You have your friends around you OF course, but you don't have this dependency and someone else leaning on you, always there...I'm not saying I don't want to be married or i regret it. Not at all. I just need to find my version of happiness within marriage. I need to switch gears now. Its been 1.5 years almost...this urging unappiness for about 3/4of a year now...and i can't take anymore.
Happiness - Stop looking at the past or future -> what made me unhappy, what can make me happy (but actually won't). I need to go back to the basics. Being ahppy with what I have when I have it and then letting go. LETTING GO. that's it.
LET GO OF THE PAST. LET GO OF THE FUTURE. THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. and i'm not saying "let it go". i'm saying LET IT FREAKIN' GO!!! SERIOUSLY.

One of the emotional types i am, according to the 10 emotional styles on oprah's webpage, is Deprivation. I feel like i'm being deprived. Everyone else gets to go somewhere warm and hot. I don't. I use to have deep meaningful conversations within my family. Now i get nothing. I'm deprived of rich, meaningful insights. I use to be able to do what i want, when i wanted. Now I can't. There's never enough sex. Not enough attention. I'm being deprived. blah blah blah...

Some pieces from the happiness article I need to drive into my head:

-Don't seek happiness. If you seek it, you won't find it, because seeking is the antithesis of happiness. Happiness is ever elusive, but freedom from unhappiness is attainable now, by facing what is rather than making up stories about it.

-The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it

-See if you can catch the voice in your head, perhaps in the very moment it complains about something, and recognize it for what it is: the voice of the ego, no more than a thought.

-Why do anxiety, stress, or negativity arise? Because you turned away from the present moment. And why did you do that? You thought something else was more important. One small error, one misperception, creates a world of suffering.

-People believe themselves to be dependent on what happens for their happiness. They don't realize that what happens is the most unstable thing in the universe. It changes constantly. They look upon the present moment as either marred by something that has happened and shouldn't have or as deficient because of something that has not happened but should have. And so they miss the deeper perfection that is inherent in life itself, a perfection that lies beyond what is happening or not happening. Accept the present moment and find the perfection that is untouched by time.

-The more shared past there is in a relationship, the more present you need to be; otherwise, you will be forced to relive the past again and again.

-You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you and allowing that goodness to emerge.

-If peace is really what you want, then you will choose peace.

I think i need to read those everyday until i start to practise it without thought. My mind is on automatic - i have no control over it and it is driving me into a brick wall constantly. smash smash smash.

My emotions control me. How do you control your emotions? i need to find out.