a time to change

There has been 2 deaths this week already...friends mom's. Its sad to think of losing a mother. I don't know how I would ever handle it. I would crawl into a hole for a year and hide out from the dark and depressing world. I could feel tears coming on for these ladies I've hardly met, so it makes me think what would happen if it were my own mom.

My mom is amazing. Cliche, i know. But really, she's has many characteristics I could have wished to inherit. She had 6 kids. Enough said. Patient, loving, selfless, and brave. She doesn't have that uncontentness that I carry - i believe that comes from my father. We both have dreamed of Hawaii together since i was little. My mom, she doesnt' need to travel. She doesn't need material things. She's very fortunate.
I think i need to apologize to her. I moved out about a year and a half before I was married. I moved out suddenly, into a house with 4 friends - 3 boys and a girl. I think I gave the impression I didn't care for my family, i just wisked off without a goodbye hardly. I think she took it alittle personally, and I don't blame her. I don't always think about others. I'm not as selfless as i should be. Also, me and my girlfriend were suppose to sleep in the basement, while the boys were upstairs. Its 'proper' that way. Well it ended up with me and my girlfriend upstairs, with a boy next door (my now husband) and the 2 others downstairs. When my mom came to visit, she was hurt that i lied to her about the sleeping arrangements. I hadn't, because that wasn't the origianl plan, but i didn't tell her that it changed. Most people wouldn't think its a big deal, but my family does. And I understand that. I need to apologize i think. Soon

I will add that on to my New Years Resolutions. Its realistic.

Speaking of which, I should think of more things i need to do this year. As with my previous posting, finding my inner happiness is one. So here's a list:


- *****speak up - NO MORE BOTTLING*****
-improve marriage - initiate sex/be more affectionate/say "i love you more"
-Trust. Don't be suspicious
-Apologize to my mom
-find true happiness within
-be content with what I have, think less of what I don't
-think of others/be more selfless

-answer phone calls, not be a hermit

-be more interested and genuine towards people

-initiate friendship and show more effort/appreciation
-don't worry about what others think
-focus more on the present and what is positive.