happiness

I would be considered a unhappy person. If you met me you might not think so, as I usually appear happy. I'm a good bottler. Its what i do, and have done for a long time. I think when I was younger I thought i was doing everyone a favour when I didn't show my emotions. Its caught up with me now i think and now i'm a big, no, MAASIVE bottle of emotion, I think one day I will snap. I have sooo many different emotions going on inside of me they're crossing wires and now I don't even know what or why i'm feeling what i feel.
I was watching Oprah the other day and the topic was about Happiness. I think what they said was accurate for me...i'm always reaching for something that will bring me happiness - go to the spa, go on vacation - then I'll be happy. But when i do these things, am I? no. Why? because i'm looking in the wrong spot. What will bring me tru happiness. That's what I need to figure out this year. I don't think I will last another year with this.
To be honest, and I'm not knocking my marriage, I was happiest when i was single. The type of person I am flourishes most when they are an island. Solitude. You have your friends around you OF course, but you don't have this dependency and someone else leaning on you, always there...I'm not saying I don't want to be married or i regret it. Not at all. I just need to find my version of happiness within marriage. I need to switch gears now. Its been 1.5 years almost...this urging unappiness for about 3/4of a year now...and i can't take anymore.
Happiness - Stop looking at the past or future -> what made me unhappy, what can make me happy (but actually won't). I need to go back to the basics. Being ahppy with what I have when I have it and then letting go. LETTING GO. that's it.
LET GO OF THE PAST. LET GO OF THE FUTURE. THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT. and i'm not saying "let it go". i'm saying LET IT FREAKIN' GO!!! SERIOUSLY.

One of the emotional types i am, according to the 10 emotional styles on oprah's webpage, is Deprivation. I feel like i'm being deprived. Everyone else gets to go somewhere warm and hot. I don't. I use to have deep meaningful conversations within my family. Now i get nothing. I'm deprived of rich, meaningful insights. I use to be able to do what i want, when i wanted. Now I can't. There's never enough sex. Not enough attention. I'm being deprived. blah blah blah...

Some pieces from the happiness article I need to drive into my head:

-Don't seek happiness. If you seek it, you won't find it, because seeking is the antithesis of happiness. Happiness is ever elusive, but freedom from unhappiness is attainable now, by facing what is rather than making up stories about it.

-The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it

-See if you can catch the voice in your head, perhaps in the very moment it complains about something, and recognize it for what it is: the voice of the ego, no more than a thought.

-Why do anxiety, stress, or negativity arise? Because you turned away from the present moment. And why did you do that? You thought something else was more important. One small error, one misperception, creates a world of suffering.

-People believe themselves to be dependent on what happens for their happiness. They don't realize that what happens is the most unstable thing in the universe. It changes constantly. They look upon the present moment as either marred by something that has happened and shouldn't have or as deficient because of something that has not happened but should have. And so they miss the deeper perfection that is inherent in life itself, a perfection that lies beyond what is happening or not happening. Accept the present moment and find the perfection that is untouched by time.

-The more shared past there is in a relationship, the more present you need to be; otherwise, you will be forced to relive the past again and again.

-You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you and allowing that goodness to emerge.

-If peace is really what you want, then you will choose peace.

I think i need to read those everyday until i start to practise it without thought. My mind is on automatic - i have no control over it and it is driving me into a brick wall constantly. smash smash smash.

My emotions control me. How do you control your emotions? i need to find out.